ok ok ok ok ok
Lately, this is what I have been saying before I rant about something that’s bugging me, or someone who is being narrow-minded, or a situation that is out of my control. This is what I do when I am angry or, as our friend Becca would say so enthusiastically, “pissed.”
If you haven’t noticed-You? Is there anyone there? there? there? there? (that was an echo if you couldn’t tell)… anyways, if you haven’t noticed, my blog pieces have formed a theme of emotional and self discovery. What I’m trying to say is, I’ve covered a lot of feelings so far (impatience, sadness, grief, comfort, love, to mention a few) so I figured, why not talk about the one that often catches me most off-guard? The one that I honestly don’t feel often, and when I do, I honestly don’t even realize I’m feeling it. Anger.
Back to the ok’s.
Growing up, my mom had me conditioned to believe that being “angry” was an extremely serious emotion. If I ever asked her, “Are you angry, Mommy?” no matter what I did, even to this day, she would say “I am never angry at you. I’m just upset.” or “I’m disappointed.” Worse? Sometimes. But for the most part I found this comforting in our relationship. I knew that nothing I ever did could make her truly bitter or mad at me. It was something I never thought too intensely about until recently.
Lately, I have been faced with a handful of things in life that haven’t got me upset or disappointed. Some school things, some world things, really quite a few things. But for the sake of this piece, the things are insignificant. It’s the feeling they give me that matters.
When I go to a check-up and have my blood pressure taken, they always tell me that I have low blood pressure. Low enough that it is healthy but not so low that I am in a perpetual state of about-to-pass-out. Sounds good to me. But lately, I have had instances where I have had my heart beat faster, my face flush, and I just don’t know what to do about it. Is it weird that this feels almost foreign to me? I’ve felt frustrated or stressed on numerous occasions but I don’t think I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been truly angry. I have no advice or thoughts when it comes to this, I guess only the self discovery part. Almost like I had to WebMD these symptoms only to discover that I was just mad.
I think this is one of those “signs of growing up.” Have I been #blessed to not have experienced anger much in my life or is it a healthy practice I’ve learned from my upbringing. Beats me. As for now, I’ll have to see what mad Sidney has to say. Perhaps I’ll find that people won’t like me when I’m angry. Only time will tell.
*Cheers to odd posts*